im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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