If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
