I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
