fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
