Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
