I'm lost and stupid without you.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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