i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
