I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
