ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
