i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
