so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize