So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
