you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
did you just send me my own nude
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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