What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
