HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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