Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Randomize
