Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
