I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
