She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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