I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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