I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
