I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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