Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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