haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
