His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
