My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
