I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
