Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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