halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
