Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
