My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
