nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
