I wish my penis had an off switch
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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