I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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