nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
