he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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