I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There r osticjed everywhere
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
