Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
