Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
