you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish my penis had a tongue
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
