i think i have two assholes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
