I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
