fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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