My hand turned me down
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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