I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
