I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
