my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I have post one night stand depression
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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