i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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