When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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