I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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