We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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