So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
