I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
