Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
not ubering you a puppy
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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