i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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