Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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