his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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