i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
