You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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