She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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