She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
