the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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